Sam Luigi
I thought coming out would solve everything. My secret was out, the lies could stop, and I could finally move on with my life, the way I wanted. But when the dust settled and the initial excitement of my coming out wore off, I was faced with a reality that I was not prepared for – I now had to be myself. There was no going back to the comfort of my closet, no place to hide anymore. Suddenly, a whole new wave of confusion encompassed me. I had spent years ignoring myself, my thoughts, my desires – and now that I had come out and declared my sexual identity, I was left scrambling to figure out the rest of the puzzle. I used to say, “I’m the same person I’ve always been,” but it recently dawned on me that I never really got to know that person. Being in the closet had deadened my senses, and for a while my mind was on cruise control – there were no intense feelings of anger, sadness or happiness. I just existed, whiling away the time until I summoned up the courage to come out. And when I did, it was like being startled awake while sleepwalking. I was stunned and virtually clueless as to what comprised my inner being. I was – for lack of a better term – emotionally retarded. Who was I before I came out? Am I still that person? Is that the person people like? Confusion turned to anger – anger at myself for not having the answers, for always questioning my choices. I didn’t even know why people liked me, so how was I supposed to like myself? What did my boyfriend see in me that I didn’t? I started taking my insecurities out on the people who meant the most to me. I would push them away, hoping they’d see what a mistake they made in caring about me. It didn’t take long for me to realize this was no way to live. I was wasting time and energy on an equation that had no definite answer; I had to let things be without always asking, “Why?” Step 1: Resign to What You Can’t Control Once I resigned to life and the circumstances surrounding it, I could start sifting through the emotional wreckage and rediscover what made me happy and what I could control. The picture started coming into focus, and even though what I saw was a mess, I knew it was manageable. Step 2: Find What Makes You Happy This sounds obvious, but so often we do things that only make other people happy and what is expected of us. Or we turn to self-destructive habits that simply make us forget we’re unhappy (in my case, binge drinking). I used to think making yourself happy ultimately meant you were being selfish. If I bought something expensive, I felt guilty. If someone did something nice for me, I felt indebted to that person and resented them for it. Quite frankly, being happy seemed like too much work, as it required an exhaustive weighing of pros and cons and always questioning other people’s intentions. This kind of self-interrogation prevented me from wanting to pursue happiness. In actuality, happiness can be as simple as watching your favorite TV show. For instance, I love the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. This told me I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor, so I started looking for things that compliment this trait. I was finally starting to identify bits and pieces of myself again. Step 3: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others This is something I struggle with on a regular basis. In my mind, I’m impatient, selfish, and ignorant on so many levels. For the longest time, I tried emulating my boyfriend’s kind and quiet demeanor. He doesn’t drink, makes thoughtful observations, and is so modest it hurts. I always thought he was a better person than me, so I wanted to be like him. Let’s just say THAT’S not a healthy way of looking at a relationship. Pretty soon I was picking fights with him, demanding to know why he’d want to be with someone like me. Being with him made me feel so stupid because I was always comparing my faults to his strengths. I knew in order for the relationship to work, I had to stop idolizing him and start appreciating myself. If you’re always comparing yourself to others, you’ll never develop your own strengths. I’ve just recently started exercising all three of these steps on a daily basis and found them to be quite helpful in maintaining my sense of self. And with time, I think they’ll improve my relationships with friends and family. What steps would you add to this list?
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